relationships
Sara Stanizai
Are Family Roles for Life?

By Sara Stanizai.

In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.

Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?

What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?

According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.

Are Family Roles for Life?
relationships
Sara Stanizai
Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How ...

By Sara Stanizai

It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.

This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.

Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.

Which one are you?

Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How Childhood Dynamics Shape Adult Relationships
relationships
Sara Stanizai
No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.

But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.

What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?

No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties
Sara Stanizai
What is Trauma-Informed Therapy?

The phrase “trauma-informed” is being thrown around all over the internet, but what does it actually mean?

Being trauma-informed goes beyond simply acknowledging the existence of trauma and its effects on mental health. Trauma-informed therapy is an actual approach to care that revolves around specific core principles. What a skilled therapist does with those principles, and how they implement them in the therapy room, will vary.

How we generate trust, safety, choice, collaboration and empowerment for our clients depends on what you have experienced in the past and what you might need now. (It’s those. Those are the principles.) This involves a deliberate and thoughtful approach to therapy that influences every choice we make as a therapist, both in session and when setting up our practice.

If you’re seeking therapy or if you’re a therapist yourself, it’s crucial to understand this concept so that you know how therapy works — and if it’s working for you.

What is Trauma-Informed Therapy?
Nik Stancil
"Therapy never worked for me": CBT isn't enough ...

Most of my clients have been to therapy before. Many have tried therapy several times over their life, but they never felt it was that helpful or they found it difficult to find a therapist who was a good fit. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case, and this post aims to explore one of the main offenders: a very common type of therapy practiced is CBT, and using CBT alone may not be a great choice for neurodivergent brains. 

"Therapy never worked for me": CBT isn't enough for neurodivergent clients seeking long-term healing

relationships

Are Family Roles for Life?

Are Family Roles for Life?

By Sara Stanizai.

In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.

Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?

What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?

According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.

Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How Childhood Dynamics Shape Adult Relationships

Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How Childhood Dynamics Shape Adult Relationships

By Sara Stanizai

It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.

This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.

Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.

Which one are you?

No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.

But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.

What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?

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Finding Hope and Healing with Couples Therapy and The Gottman Method

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Finding Hope and Healing with Couples Therapy and The Gottman Method

When love starts to fade, communication breaks down, and trust feels damaged beyond repair, it's easy to lose hope. In the midst of conflict and pain, it can feel as though the bond you once shared has been irreparably broken. But there is a way through the darkness. It's a path that requires courage, patience, and a willingness to change. Couples therapy, especially the research-backed Gottman Method, provides the tools and support you need to rebuild a strong, healthy partnership. It offers a lifeline in the storm, a beacon of hope that your relationship can not only survive but thrive once again. By focusing on strengthening the four pillars of a successful relationship – friendship, shared meaning, conflict management, and emotional connection – the Gottman Method offers a roadmap to healing and recovery. It equips couples with the skills and insights to break destructive patterns, rebuild trust, and create a partnership based on respect, understanding, and mutual support.

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Risks and Benefits of Couples Therapy

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Risks and Benefits of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a type of counseling that aims to help couples improve their relationship. This type of therapy can be beneficial in a number of ways. First and foremost, couples therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for couples to discuss their issues. This can be especially helpful for couples who struggle with communication. By working with a therapist, couples can learn to communicate more effectively and express their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way.

How to Deal With Extreme Family Dependency

How to Deal With Extreme Family Dependency

You can’t choose your family. It’s fair even to say that you can’t choose what qualities and characteristics you inherit from your family. Things like mental health disorders and codependency patterns can be passed along from generation to generation without skipping a beat. Extreme family dependency entails thinking, behaviors, and feelings. On the outside, it can appear to be a close family relationship, but at its core, the very opposite is true…it’s a toxic pattern that leads to other issues.

Have hope, though. There are ways to overcome it and change dynamics to something more positive. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. Here are a few starting points. 

Spotting Codependency in Friendships

Spotting Codependency in Friendships

Next to family, and sometimes in place of family relationships, friendships can be the most important relationships in your life—the foundation for the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.

Independence and mutual respect are necessary for a friendship or any relationship. Many people are aware of codependent romantic relationships, but it is also possible with friendships. When boundaries become non-existent, and friends begin to blend into one another, it can be the telltale of a codependent friendship.

When Gender Socialization Collides with Gender Identity

When Gender Socialization Collides with Gender Identity

There is a lot of weight placed on gender that is so subtly done it’s not always on the radar as problematic. In our social media era, you’ve likely seen or heard about someone’s gender reveal party. Is it a boy? Or is it a girl? The problem lies in how skewed this viewpoint truly can be. It can unknowingly create discomfort and cause underlying issues in a person’s future.

5 Ways to Improve Communication with Your Neurodivergent Partner

5 Ways to Improve Communication with Your Neurodivergent Partner

Neurodivergent or neurodiverse people have their own unique way of navigating the neurotypical world. It’s no better or worse than the average person, but it is different.

Communication is the framework for any type of relationship, but it can be challenging with someone who is neurodiverse. Here are some ways to manage this with your partner.

5 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond

5 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond

It just doesn’t seem right for the words trauma and bond to be linked. To bond with someone is a good thing, right? Quite often, it is. In fact, it can be one of the best things we have ever experienced. So, to be clear, “trauma bonding” is not about connecting and healing with someone over shared traumas. A trauma bond is something that happens to someone trapped in an abusive relationship.

This is not rare. About 40 percent of women and 10 percent of men report being victimized by intimate partner violence. The keyword there is “report.” Many more examples are kept quiet due to shame or guilt. Let’s take a closer look.

5 Reasons People Report Being Happier After Divorce

5 Reasons People Report Being Happier After Divorce

File this under: Who’s going to tell them?

The romanticizing of life-long marriages has actually had a detrimental effect on relationships.

We have started to see a backlash against longevity as the ultimate factor of successful relationships and marriages. Marriage itself is of course a nuanced, complex arrangement - but you wouldn’t know that if you looked at social and other media around this multi billion dollar industry.

Of course, long term monogamous relationships are a beautiful thing! (TBH if I wasn’t a therapist, I would be a wedding and event planner. Seriously, I love weddings.)

But focusing on longevity ignores all the other factors that go into a successful relationship.

Things like evolving with your partner, or allowing space for them to change, the impact of financial stress, raising children, isolation from friends and family, and many other experiences are often ignored in the phrase “til death do you part.”

Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is agree to end a relationship or a marriage amicably.

This is true for people of all genders. However, because of patriarchal cultural norms and the institutional barriers for women, we are often most disadvantaged when it comes to considering ending a marriage.

Of course, anyone who has been through a divorce will often say they stayed longer than they should have. There is pressure on everyone from social, legal, financial, and even religious aspects.

And while media often shows men finding relief after “escaping the bear trap” of a bad marriage, and casts women in a desperate, “washed-up” light, research continues to show that women often report being happier after divorce.

A 2013 survey conducted by London’s Kingston University said the majority of women were happier than they had ever been after divorcing. Another survey by Carphone Warehouse said 35% of women were less stressed after divorce compared to 17% of men.

Here are five reasons why women in particular report being happier after divorce.

Relational Trauma and its Lasting Impact

Relational Trauma and its Lasting Impact

Hear me out.

Let’s say you have a broken blender at home. Every time you try to make a smoothie, it tips off the counter and splashes your fruit purée all over the kitchen floor. Sometimes you can salvage some of the smoothie, but most of the time, it just leaves you hungry, flinching, and trying to block out the loud whirring, while covered in a mess of mangled fruit and yogurt. You end up feeling like you’ll never get that refreshing sip you came for!

Abusive relationships are similar in that they leave us with reflexive jumpiness, feelings of mistrust, emptiness, and hopelessness. Although instead of fearing fruit purée, we end up fearing people. Sometimes people we love deeply.

But your relationships don’t have to feel like a broken blender. Finding those healthy relationships may not always be as easy as driving to the store and picking up a new appliance, but there are steps you can take and principles you can follow to avoid the traumatic mess of unhealthy relationships. Here are some pointers to help you identify and avoid toxic relationships and the damage they leave behind.

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Some of the hardest challenges we face in life can connect us deeply to others.

Winning a championship with your recreational softball team, getting to the end of a show week, or making it through that last deadline with your coworkers. Moments like these can create lasting relationships with the people who stayed, even when we were down in the dirt.

But what happens if the person you went through hell with caused the hell? More than that—what if you like them being around but feel conflicted about the levels of stress and toxicity they bring you?

That’s called a trauma bond. Feeling emotionally connected to the perpetrator of your prolonged abuse. Sometimes it can be tricky. You may feel like you have to take the bad with the good. And generally that’s true. But if the “good” parts only come at the price of negative experiences, and you feel obligated to tolerate or look past things that don’t sit right with you, there’s a good chance you are involved in a trauma bond.

(Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not bonding with someone over each of your own past traumatic incidents.)

Trauma bonding is characterized by what feels like “hot and cold” manipulation, so that you emotionally and physiologically, feel bonded to whatever (or whomever) provides the first semblance of safety.

This is not only the case in abusive family or romantic relationships, but often strong group dynamics that require intense physical and psychological devotion, such as military training, spiritual cults — even some workplaces TBH.

Let’s talk about recognizing the cycle of trauma bonding and how you can eventually break free of it.

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant attachment often gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it’s just another set of relational patterns - neither good nor bad.

An important part of inner healing is developing a healthy sense of self-awareness. While we should validate our feelings, we shouldn’t just accept every behavior that spawns because of those feelings. We’re allowed to feel insecure, but does that mean we should lash out at our loved ones? We’re allowed to be angry with our partner, but does that mean we should stonewall them? Of course not!

Step one is accepting our own emotions. Step two is noticing how those emotions inspire our behaviors and stepping in before they happen so we can remain in the driver’s seat.

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

Platonic relationships can teach us just as much (if not more) about ourselves than romantic or other types of relationships.

If you’ve been through a friend break-up, you know how impactful it can be.

Why do we break up with friends, and what can we learn from the experience? As it turns out, you can glean lots of information about yourself through your friend break-ups.

Feminist Therapy 101

Feminist Therapy 101

Feminist therapy isn't just sessions on a couch spent only talking about women. It's an approach to therapy that recognizes the dynamic and intersectional realities of existing today. It acknowledges and dismantles the impact of the power structures outside of the person's experience.

So while a non-feminist focused therapist would help a person with their trauma internally, a feminist therapist considerers the outside forces that contribute to that trauma (or that anxiety, depression, etc.).

Feminist Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy. You can be a feminist and a therapist. You can also be a Feminist Therapist.

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Jealousy in Open Relationships

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Jealousy in Open Relationships

Every relationship requires three huge factors to be successful: communication, trust, and respect. You’re not the only person with skin in the game, so you need to have a level of faith in someone else. You have to believe that they’ll respect you and your boundaries. This can take a lot of work within two people. So how does trust happen in an open or polyamorous relationship?

Many people assume that jealousy doesn’t exist in an open relationship or that people don’t have the right to be jealous when they’re committing to multiple people in various ways. But this forgets a key part of all relationships - hello, there are humans involved! Humans have feelings, needs and wants.

People in open relationships do experience jealousy, and it’s completely valid — but how do you work through these feelings? Especially if you are new to non-monogamy?

Is it OK to cut ties with Toxic Family Members?

Is it OK to cut ties with Toxic Family Members?

The most intimate - and most conflicted - relationships many of us have are with our family members.

So, what happens when a family member’s behavior makes you uncomfortable — to the point where it borders on abusive? Many people struggle with telling the difference, especially when it comes to family. People are often encouraged to give extra slack to people simply because they are related. That’s bullshit!

If you are uncomfortable because of a family member’s behavior, you don’t need to suffer in silence. There are steps you can take to determine if the behavior can be fixed. If it can’t, you may need to consider cutting ties altogether.

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My Loved One is Transgender

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My Loved One is Transgender

When someone important to you reveals this part of their identity, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions - from elated to terrified.

Though you may want to be supportive, you might also harbor feelings of rejection, worry, or even anger. Like every other emotion, these feelings aren’t forever. That said, it can certainly feel that way when you’re right in the middle of it.

Although this is new to you, it is not always new to your loved one.

So, how do you cope with these feelings? How can you get to a place of acceptance and understanding instead of fear, anger, or confusion? Depending on your specific situation and relationship to the person, there are different options to help you make sense of your feelings.

Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:

4510 E Pacific Coast Hwy, #540, Long Beach, CA 90804

contact@prospecttherapy.com | (562) 704-4736